The Emotional Breakdown Got here (And I Cancelled Our Addition)

I haven’t made any choices which are 100% engraved in stone at this level, however since lots of you have got mentioned through the years that you just get pleasure from it after I share my thought processes, let me begin initially and inform you what has transpired over the past two days.

As I suspected, the emotional breakdown over our ruined dwelling fitness center flooring and subfloor lastly got here. If you happen to missed that saga, you may learn this post after which this post. It began with me being pouty, feeling sorry for myself, and admittedly, being a bit passive aggressive. And that’s not like me in any respect. I’m speaking particularly in regards to the passive aggressive half. There’s usually nothing passive about my aggression after I get offended or upset about one thing. 😀

But it surely began to nights in the past when Matt was already stress-free in mattress, and I began the burden of all of the information these days got here bearing down on me. First, the $21,000 for the entire dwelling generator. After which the hundreds (I’m undecided precisely how a lot but) for the entire dwelling dehumidifier that Matt actually needs. After which the house fitness center flooring and subfloor. After which I began getting upset and feeling sorry for myself. I dragged my unhappy butt into the bed room, feeling so sorry for myself that you just’d suppose an precise tragedy had occurred, and I mentioned in my most passive aggressive means, “Nicely, I assume we’ll simply NEVER get that addition, will we?” Poor Matt. 😀 He’s had 22 years of coping with me (and I with him and his idiosyncrasies), so he is aware of the best way to speak me down from the ledge after I get like that. And after about half-hour of speaking, I had calmed down. He had assured me that if I wished that addition, I may have that addition. We might make it work.

However after throwing my little mood tantrum, and even after Matt had calmed me down and I felt a lot better, that thought had been planted in my mind. What if we didn’t do the addition?

That was onerous to consider. In spite of everything, we’ve been speaking about and planning that addition for years! I’ve dreamed about it. I’ve put a lot time and thought into the ground plan till I had precisely what I wished. I’ve met with the builder. I’ve met with the architect. We had been nonetheless planning on beginning that addition this yr.

Or had been we? I imply, it’s already the center of July, and nothing has been achieved. The architect that’s allegedly drawing up our plans has been M.I.A. for months now, and I’ve made no efforts to get in contact with him and light-weight a fireplace underneath him to get our plans achieved. Why is that? Matt has informed me repeatedly that we will begin the addition instantly. Actually, any time now. Simply at any time when I’m prepared.

So if this addition is so vital to me, why have I not been extra proactive in ensuring issues are shifting forward with it? I’ve been completely comfortable to remain in “planning mode” for years now, and regardless that I’ve the inexperienced gentle to maneuver ahead at any time when I need to, I nonetheless haven’t achieved it.

So yesterday, I made a decision to get actually trustworthy with myself as a result of there’s one thing there, and I don’t suppose you must be a skilled psychologist to see that. I’m the one hindering the progress, and I’ve to be actually trustworthy with myself as to why that’s. And it comes down to 2 issues…cash and house.

First, let’s speak in regards to the house. Matt and I are solely two folks. And but, whereas our home isn’t big, it’s already fairly sprawled out. In reality, one buddy who came visiting didn’t notice that the door within the sitting room led to a different very giant room (i.e., my studio). The primary time he noticed what was past that door, he mentioned, “My goodness, Kristi, your home is just like the TARDIS!” (Bonus factors if you recognize the reference.) And it sort of is. From one finish to the opposite, it sort of appears to go on and on. New lands, and new adventures await as you cross by means of every doorway. 😀

After which there’s the cash situation. The estimate that the builder gave me got here to $226,358.90, and that’s earlier than we determined so as to add on a further 350 sq. toes in order that we may push the again wall of the addition again far sufficient to make room for a big walk-in closet in the master suite, in addition to different storage that we would want for Matt’s gadgets (i.e., Hoyer elevate, bathe wheelchair, and so forth.).

I imply, that quantity astounds me. After we first began speaking in regards to the addition a few years in the past, the quantity that the very first contractor gave me was $70,000. That was pre-COVID, earlier than provide line disruptions, and earlier than the inflation from these issues made the value of nearly every part skyrocket. We went from an estimate of $70,000 to an estimate of $240,000 within the span of about eight years. And naturally, that price ticket doesn’t even embody any furnishings, decor, or customizations that I’d need to do (i.e., the nicer trim that I like and issues like that).

I simply don’t even understand how I can justify spending that a lot cash on this home so as to add on extra room and make this home even greater and extra sprawling for simply two folks. I gained’t go as far as to say it’s an ethical situation, as a result of it’s not likely that. (And I don’t need to come throughout as passing judgment on different who dwell in even bigger homes with every kind of facilities. They will do no matter they need with their cash with no judgment from me.) However for us, for our scenario, for our home, for our neighborhood, it simply feels…icky. I don’t even understand how else to explain it. It feels icky in my thoughts. And it’s that feeling that has been holding me again.

However the place does that depart us? As a result of proper now, our flooring plan seems like this, and this has at all times been “progress” in my thoughts. I’ve by no means as soon as thought-about this wherever close to “completed”.

That tiny little room behind the grasp lavatory is the unique grasp lavatory. It’s not even accessible from inside the home anymore. It’s simply been sitting there, connected to the home however inaccessible, and ready to be demolished. After which there’s the sunroom. Whereas that room is the place the washer, dryer, and sizzling water heater at the moment dwell, the room itself isn’t salvageable. It was not constructed correctly, and it could actually’t be redone. The one possibility is to tear it down. It can’t keep. Interval.

So yesterday, I had one other down day. I wasn’t feeling offended anymore. My passive aggression had dissipated. I used to be simply feeling unhappy. Blue. Discouraged. I used to be feeling like this home had lastly overwhelmed me. So I sat down at my desk within the studio, opened up my laptop computer, pulled up our flooring plan on my photograph modifying program, and simply began enjoying round to see what I may give you. And I noticed that we do, actually, have some very affordable, doable choices.

First, there’s the obvious resolution to present us a much bigger bed room. If we now have to switch the ground and the subfloor within the dwelling fitness center, that might be the right time to take away what stays of the unique closets from that room. That will sq. up the room, take away these visible boundaries, and make the room fairly a bit greater. And because it’s connected to the grasp lavatory, it could naturally be our master suite.

After which the present visitor bed room may very well be break up into two areas, with one turning into the laundry room accessible from the hallway, and the opposite turning into a big walk-in closet accessible from the bed room.

It will mainly take the home again to its authentic footprint. If you happen to’ll keep in mind, the again wall that you just see in that flooring plan simply above is the unique again wall of the home. That’s why the again wall of the kitchen initially had a window in it. By the point we purchased the home, the sunroom had been added. However that window was initially an exterior window.

And that’s additionally the explanation the unique hallway lavatory had a window in it. Once more, by the point we purchased the home, that window appeared into the sunroom. And since we deliberate so as to add on from the start, I eliminated the window after I reworked this lavatory.

But when we don’t do the addition, I may truly put a window again in that room! That loo may have pure daylight once more!! That thought alone makes me giddy.

At that time of enjoying round with the ground plan, I assumed I had misplaced my thoughts. In spite of everything, if I had been to maneuver ahead with this plan, that implies that we might have turned what was initially a three-bedroom home right into a ONE-bedroom home.

A ONE-BEDROOM HOUSE.

That was nearly an excessive amount of of a hurdle for me. May I truly try this? May I flip this home right into a one-bedroom home? Individuals would suppose I used to be loopy! They’d suppose I’ve utterly misplaced my thoughts. Have I misplaced my thoughts? Is that probably the most insane factor {that a} home-owner has ever achieved? I imply, would we ever have the ability to promote a one-bedroom home?

After which I caught myself. My goodness, I used to be doing the very same factor I’ve been preaching in opposition to for 17 years now! I actually just wrote a blog post about this very subject solely days in the past!! There I used to be, making an attempt to determine how this home could be custom-made to greatest swimsuit our wants, and I used to be fearful about what some anonymous, faceless, unknown, potential future purchaser might factor about my choices. However Matt and I purchased this home as our perpetually dwelling. We’re those who paid the mortgage. We’re those who paid off the mortgage. We’re those who personal this home. We’re those who dwell right here. We’re those who have to be snug right here. It’s our wants and desires which are vital when making choices about this home. And the way may I encourage others to cease designing and adorning for that potential future proprietor if I can’t even do it myself?

So after giving it a ton of thought, I truly gave myself permission to go there and to be okay with it. I in some way managed to be okay with the thought of a one-bedroom home.

However, after all, these modifications didn’t clear up all of our issues. I nonetheless desire a eating desk someplace. Matt nonetheless wants his Theracycle, and I don’t actually need to hand over my rebounder or treadmill (though, I’m open to promoting my present one and getting a a lot smaller one). So whereas we don’t want a complete bed room devoted to being a house fitness center, having a spot for these three issues is non-negotiable.

So I began enjoying round extra. After which I assumed, “What if we simply add on a laundry room?” So I began on the lookout for a spot to place a laundry room, and the right place for it gave the impression to be proper behind the kitchen. And similar to that, one other downside solved itself. If I put a door from the wheelchair ramp into the laundry room, that makes brining in groceries a lot simpler! And the entire “storage by means of the laundry room to the kitchen” format is a reasonably widespread one.

And with that format, I wouldn’t have to chop the present visitor bed room into two. I may maintain it one large room that may very well be half closet and half exercise space, and the center may very well be left open to retailer Matt’s large gadgets once they’re not in use. I truly spent fairly a little bit of time looking for issues like “combo closet and exercise space” and “walk-in closet and residential fitness center mixture”. Whereas I didn’t discover a lot, I did discover just a few examples of individuals combining these issues.

After all, each time I solved one factor, it created one other downside. If I add on a laundry room and switch the breakfast room again right into a breakfast room in order that I can have the desk I need, the place does Matt sit and watch TV throughout the day?

So I saved on enjoying round, and I lastly eliminated all the partitions between the present kitchen, present sitting room, and potential future laundry room. After which I eliminated the labels from these areas in order that I may see them as a clean house. I additionally eliminated the label from the pantry simply because I’m open to new potentialities.

And that’s just about the place I left it. However I can inform you that I really feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I used to be truly so enthusiastic about this that I had a tough time sleeping final evening. I feel I lastly drifted off round 2:00am, after which I wakened at 5:30 excited about it once more, excited in regards to the potentialities. I wasn’t simply excited about the chances for these areas, however I used to be additionally excited about what this is able to free us as much as do. It will free us as much as have our driveway poured instantly! It will free us as much as construct my workshop within the very close to future. It will free us as much as go forward and construct the deck or patio or no matter we’re going to placed on the again of the home in order that we will truly begin having fun with our yard. And we may do all of that with out going into debt. No debt. I really like the thought of that. There’s a lot freedom in that. Sufficient freedom, actually, to make the thought of dwelling in a one-bedroom home sound very nice.

So I’m nonetheless excited about it. I’m going to be doing an entire lot of praying about it. And I’m not going to stress myself to hurry to any choices. I need to do what feels peaceable, and I’m not 100% of the way in which there with any of the choices I’ve thought-about but. However I’ll undoubtedly let y’all know after I get there.

Addicted 2 Adorning is the place I share my DIY and adorning journey as I rework and embellish the 1948 fixer higher that my husband, Matt, and I purchased in 2013. Matt has M.S. and is unable to do bodily work, so I do nearly all of the work on the home on my own. You can learn more about me here.